suckmy12inch: (fuck 'em all!)
I was going to write an entry last night but then I poked my head into the room where my brother was using the Xbox 360 and got sucked into several rounds of Zombies on Call of Duty: Black Ops and now I've forgotten most of what I intended to say here.

Whoops.

Well, anyway. I'm at home for the summer now, been here just about two weeks and god I want out already. Yeah, the opportunity to earn some money's nice. That's about it. I miss my friends like hell and there's nothing to do here, other than you know, work. Granted, Lampeter wasn't exactly buzzing with shit to do but it was the people there that made up for it. I didn't mind days of emptiness if I could hang out with people in the evening. There are benefits to being at home though, of course - meals cooked by mum, the Xbox, McDonald's! And the cinema, haha. It's been nice to catch up with some people back home too. I met up with one friend the other day, hung out with her and it's much easier talking to my brother in person. He's never very forthcoming when I try to chat with him on the phone.

I dropped roleplaying altogether. I'd just lost interest and it wasn't fair to hold on to my characters. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it, overall. I don't think I miss it, to be honest. It's sad that I don't have it in common with most people on plurk anymore and that I can't get excited about plots and CR with them but it doesn't seem to bother me all that much. I don't miss having to invest all that time in it. And, well, in some ways, I regret the time I did spend on it during my last couple years at school. I enjoyed it a hell of a lot but I let myself spend too much time with it instead of actually taking the time to notice that, Hey, actually, A-levels aren't a walk in the park, you can't just bluff them like you did GCSEs! Are you listening? Quit staying up until 3a on school nights so you can do those tags. But then again, it's too late to change that and well, I enjoyed it! And things have worked out in the end. Clearing after getting my exam results was a bitch but I got to a uni in the end and I've loved my first year at Lampeter.

Speaking of uni, I think that's part of what I was going to talk about last night. The past few months, especially since the beginning of 2011, have been full of. ...I dunno. Stuff happening. Massive changes, changes in situations and I think most importantly changes in me. I've fucked up some stuff, I know I have, I've fucked up stuff royally in some respects and I don't know how I can ever hope to make it better. I think it's too late, because I realised how badly I'd fucked up when it was much too late. I keep having the realisations when it's past time to do anything about it and oh I can say this all I like but that's not going to change anything either, is it? I don't know what to do about it, I don't know what words could bridge the gap I've managed to create, if any words ever could do so.

Oops. I went to bed after writing all the above and I've come back to it now, having again lost track of what I'd wanted to say. Dad's actually disconnected the internet so I'm not entirely sure when I'll get to post this (never mind, he's switched it back on now). This is getting to be a very rambly post.

Anyway. I was talking about university.

Despite me fucking things up, I still feel like I've grown up and learned a lot about myself and how I deal with things. I've learned I don't have to put up with bullshit from other people if I really don't want to - it's just that it can take me a while to gather up the courage to actually stand up for myself, I guess, or to say what needs saying. Sometimes I need to be told what's what and told that I need to talk. I guess overall I feel like I've become stronger for it. A lot of things sucked and a few things hurt pretty bad and one or two things still hurt badly. A little earlier iTunes seriously trolled me, playing three songs that reminded me of one thing that keeps... sort of stinging, is the best way to put it.

I don't even know where this post is going anymore, oops! I think I have more to say somehow but perhaps for now it's best saved. I've gotten out most of what I wanted to say, I think, at the very least.

This has been a post.

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